Living with a label

It would be fair to say 4 years ago I had a melt down, my relationship was broken and so was my head. It was the start of a long road which was incredibly bumpy lasting 2 years. I won’t take the full blame for this, my husband definitely played his part in it all. Through it all he has struggled to deal with me and my behaviour. But we have put it all in the past and dwelling on it will solve nothing!

I did decide to go onto antidepressants which was hard as I was still feeding my youngest, she was over 14 months old and I made the decision me getting better was the most important thing so stopped breastfeeding. It didn’t take long to be assigned a councillor but I soon used my 20 session allowance up and things still weren’t right. I struggled to cope with a lot of things and was terrified about not getting hysterical over Christmas. I was given suppressant (I know sounds crazy to give somebody on antidepressants these but they worked, I, slightly zombied out, made it through Christmas day without kicking off and ruining it for everyone) They sent me to see a psychiatrist under the idea I had unipolar (bipolar with out the manic highs) but they weren’t convinced, they believed I was lacking confidence and struggled to deal with my emotions like they’d expect a grown up to be able to do. So along came the next label 🔖 personality disorder and I was sent for group therapy which had a massive waiting list! Nor was it very local to me or easy to fit in around the school runs but I made it to several sessions including a one on one where for the umpteenth time in this journey had to go over all those childhood issues … Seriously I never considered myself to have had a bad childhood, yes it was a broken home and I had no contact with my dad but that wasn’t uncommon where I lived. It was more the emotional side that wasn’t supported, my mum had issues herself and now when I see how my husbands relationship was with his parents I see this was a massive contributing factor into why my emotions are still very child like. My biggest worry is ‘passing’ this onto my children. Being a mum doesn’t come naturally to me, well actually this whole grown up thing doesn’t and as a grown up child this was hard to get my head around. I see it as I skipped some crucial steps growing up, I had to run before I could walk well enough. So my technique is a bit wobbly. Please note Personality Disorder is a large blanket to cover many different issues going on in people’s heads.

2 years into trying to get well and without even starting group therapy properly I decided to stop the professional help. I knew why I was like I was and waiting months for appointments was leaving me hanging waiting to get better when actually I felt I just needed to get on with life, the door is left open if I can’t do this and knowing this helps massively. Life was on hold and by this point antidepressants were making me not be myself enough to enjoy life. Every day will always be a battle to not let it take over but everyday it’s a smaller thing to deal with especially when I am busy, have time for myself and understand things go wrong but it will still be ok.

It’s a bit of a rambling post but that’s what life in my head is like, I start to cry at the smallest thing,  if I think of things that could happen, no matter how unlikely, I actually feel like it is happening. The same happens watching television and films! I am constantly unnecessarily dealing emotionally with so many things.

That’s all behind the scenes, I don’t let that invade into my life as much as I can. What people see is hopefully a happy dedicated mother and wife not the label. I would like to add that I am by no means ashamed of my label or think it makes me any less of a person than anyone else, without understanding it I couldn’t deal with it.

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